Beautiful Disaster
by MadameLupin
Summary: Exile watches Atton and has some introspective thoughts. LSF Exile.


**Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Lucas, Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords is owned by Lucas Arts and Obsidian.  
Beautiful Disaster goes to Kelly Clarkson.**

Summery: The Exile watches Atton.

A/N: This is not betaed. I wrote this months ago and it's just been sitting on my hard drive.  
Also, if you flame go right on ahead but I'll just ignore you.

* * *

_He drowns in his dreams  
An exquisite extreme I know  
He's as damned as he seems  
And more heaven than a heart could hold  
And if I try to save him  
My whole world could cave in  
It just ain't right  
It just ain't right  
Beautiful Disaster - Kelly Clarkson_

I watch him, and my eyes never leave his lithe form, I just follow his flow. The light of lightsaber reflects off the metal of the garage. It gives him a halo that he hardly deserves. Slow, lazy arcs of light, my eyes follow them round and round, they match my feelings for him. His brown eyes close pulling the force to him; I feel the concentration he has on what he is doing. Normally, I only get that particular vibe when he plays pazaak. The feeling soothes me and makes me relax a bit.

It is late, but we both work best at this time, completely undisturbed and when our companions are asleep. I stay in the shadows, entranced by his rhythmic movement. The saber swings as though it is striking an unseen foe. I have seen these moves before in the temple on Coursant and in the enclave of Dantooine they will never loose their startling ruthlessness.

Every parry, every thrust and twirl seemed to be a punctuation at the end of the sentence; his movement is graceful, solid and natural. I smile in spite of myself. Atton is coming along nicely in his training; he is catching on quick to the Jedi principles of fighting, the Sith that hounds him seems to be fading to the back of his mind. It pleases me immensely to see him go from scoundrel to Jedi and to know that he is doing so to redeem himself. But I know the guilt will never leave him as it has never left me.

Watching him has become my dirty little secret, one I indulge in often. Maybe I had watched him before, but only become aware of it after he told me his dirty little secret, handed me a large chunk of his soul. It still shocks me, the tale he told. I always knew that Atton Rand had more to him then what he presented now I know and it shook me to the core.

I know what it is like to kill. To hold someone's life in your hands and not know what to do with the power. I had after all been on Malachor, my order had destroyed more then the Mandalorians. The dust still swirls at my feet and fills my lungs with it's aridness. The saber's melody disappears and I am dimly aware that he knows I am watching. 

"Having fun there, Ana?" he says softly as he approaches me, my eyes flick down his body almost of their own violation, they've been doing that a lot lately. Atton's not by any means scrawny, I could see the rippling of well toned muscle underneath his shirt, and I wonder what it would be like to feel them with my fingers. I nod in response; for once, my voice fails me. I hear no Jedi code telling me to keep my emotions in check. The code had left me many years before.

He wipes the sweat from his forehead and I lick my lips, "Gonna say something or just stand there looking like a gizka in landing lights?" he jokes as he stops in front of me. His brown eyes making me feel like he can see through me and into my mind. It's unsettling; I do not like not having control over a situation. And he has the control.

My body aches for a moment; I have never felt like this.

I have an overwhelming desire to kiss him. But I restrain, I am unsure and scared of what is happening. Sure he gives me suggestive looks and flirts but that's just how he is, I've seen him do the same with Mira but there was something different about it now. "I was just watching…" I say lamely, backing up a bit. He smiles at me, a smile that I don't believe he's ever given me before. "Like what you see?" he asks trying to sound innocent, he takes a step closer and my breath catches.

I command my voice to work, to speak denial, "Why would I?" I said trying to sound like I am teasing but I know he can see through the ploy. 

I search for an escape route, but there isn't one, I cannot hide from him on this ship or hide from myself. I could feel my heart speed up underneath my ribs at his closeness and from my own panic. I was sure he could see the flutter in my neck. 

His brow furrows in concern, "Are you alright?" he asks softly his arrogant and sarcastic manner drops away as he approaches me with concern, "You're pale." he continues. 

I choke on air a bit, "I-I'm fine Aton." Being a Jedi for so long I am inexperienced at dealing with the opposite sex in a romantic capacity. Little by little my life was becoming less under my control. I avoid his eyes or they should steal my soul. 

I notice his hand twitch around the hilt of the light saber. I wonder for a split second if he will turn it on and end my life because he loves me. His words still rang in my ears; he killed her because he loved her. 

A Jedi, like me, had died at his hand for showing him the light. But wasn't that an Atton who was under the sway of the dark side? 

I knew first hand the lure and power of the dark side; it made you into a perversion of yourself. Good intentions become evil, self confidence becomes arrogance. You literally become twisted and evil. That is a thing we have in common. We have both touched the darkness and reveled in it. But now we turn away from it disillusioned. 


End file.
